I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
