Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
