literally had 100 drinks last night.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I fill condoms, not promises.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
