I never want to see another naked old woman again.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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