I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
