last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
