I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
