he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Randomize
