You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
