Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
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well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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