omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
