Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
