This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
