I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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