So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Should I hook up with a slut its your call
Yes. Wrap it. If you dont have a condom do it anyway. YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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