You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
