help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
