I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Randomize
