But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
i think i just lost a toe
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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