sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Everclear isn't food dammit
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