I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
