just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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