I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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