Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
