ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Randomize
