you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Even the bartender felt bad for me
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
