Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
We had to coat check the pizza.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
