My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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