...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
