I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
