you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
