I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
