I love watching others lives come down to our level.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize