I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I think I sprained my soul last night
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
