You're a womanizer and a bitch.
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
