I wish I could punch you in the face.
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
