sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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