Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
