Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
