I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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