What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
just tell him i said nine months
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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