Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
