Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
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