There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
He better not be in your backpack
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
