I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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