I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
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