Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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