my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
