i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Randomize
