SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
