half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Randomize
