I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
