There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
