In the future we'll all be gay
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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