I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
