I must be too annoying 4 u.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
