Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
